Earth is a dying planet, almost completely expunged of all of its natural resources; it is over massively overpopulated and its inhabitants are slowly suffocating themselves. So why the hell would you want to invade it?
It’s simple really. Hurry the process along a little.
Disguised as many figures, all within the public eye they have been worming away at the planet for years, steadily eroding away the planet’s resources and crippling the environment. It’s unfortunate for humanity that the only person who is actually aware of the invasion is Katie Price.
She first discovered us during her time on ‘Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’ when she saw Ant and Dec merge in to a single being that looked a little like a mixture of them and Phil from Time Team. When he noticed her it pointed a gun at her and seemed confused when nothing happened. She later learned that it used this gun to wipe people’s memories and concluded that the silicon in her breasts must block our weaponry for some reason.
Over the next few years we set up a series of magazines in order to ridicule Katie. She sold her soul, in exchange for fame. She even married one of us to make sure we felt appeased.
Katie well was aware of our swift indiscriminate justice. We had no problem recruiting for their ranks. Even if previous experiments had had disastrous results. Lee Harvey Oswald didn’t get what he wanted, look what happened there. So, irrelevant of how smart she actually was, she allowed herself to be typecast as a vacuous moron. It was better that than allow them to torture her like they did Gary Busey.
But despite her best efforts we steadily grew bored of her and her antics. Like any kind of toy or star that we had fashioned, she had grown tiresome. Soon we and her readers steadily began to progress on to other reality stars. Katie knew that she couldn’t let this happen. Drastic action was needed.
Her recent divorce hadn’t exactly helped matters. Although she didn’t think she was considered a threat she used her ex-husband’s contacts to learn who was in charge of the alien menace. Unfortunately for her Hello magazine hit back.
Scandal after scandal hit Katie. Peter, her ex, was in the news following their divorce and gaining sympathy. While the menace Cheryl Cole was pressing with more and more distressing stories of her own failed marriage. A sceptic might wonder why the media’s eye was so focussed on the whole concept of wedlock and, by extension, perceived adultery. Maybe they lacked imagination, but it is possible that they were fuelling a growing demand for divorcees within high flying wholly gossip-based circles. Katy could do nothing but contemplate this. She had thought her and her ex had split amicably, the media told it different.
She found herself pushed by more and more men arriving at her door. She could never tell whether they were humans or aliens. It was pretty difficult to discern the difference. They looked like us you see. Well not just any of us. Most famous people had definitely been replaced by them. It’s fair to say that Katie had been spared because no one really cared for her, or would listen to her. I guess that politicians must have been the first to go, then the media.
We have been an ever present part in politics for centuries. It is only now, in last three decades, that we have started making a push for complete control. Our first port of call was to invade Margaret Thatcher’s brain and overtake her cabinet. What we didn’t realise is that she would hit back in her own way and undermine us in turn. We realised that we had become a laughing stock and need to rethink our tactics. John Major back peddled some of their previous errors while Blair deconstructed the last bastion of leftist Britain. This ensured that those at the top would always be at the top.
Katie didn’t understand this though. As far as she knew we just controlled a small collection of trashy magazines and ITV; nothing that anyone would, or rather should, actually care about. It is important to add that Katie did, they were her living after all. She must have found herself at odds when she realised that she literally couldn’t live with these magazines; and that she couldn’t live without them. Maybe, in hindsight, I was bound to be captured.
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